Monday, November 15, 2010

Then He's Still There ...

You know that song "Elvis is Everywhere," by Mojo Nixon (and if you don't know Mojo Nixon, then your store could use some fixin')? Well, as a child, I thought Jason was everywhere.

Yep, that Jason. The real man of my childhood nightmares, not Freddy.

If you were a child in the 70s and 80s, then summer camp was a huge part of your life. And I don't mean those day camps run by your church, where your mom dropped you off when she wanted to watch her  "stories" in peace. Yeah, I went to those, too. I think my mom was so psyched to unload me so she could wash down her Luke and Laura with an ice-cold Diet Rite that she didn't even stop the car to let me out. I still know how to tuck n' roll, TJ Hooker style!

No, I'm referring to the other camp—the one you loathed, where you hated all of the kids, and they hated you, and you were there for the duration. That camp. Of course, there were camps I wanted to go to as a child. And they were run by Bill Murray and had bitchin' girls like Kristy McNichol and Tatum O'Neil in them.

But noooo. The camp I had to go to looked very much like every camp you never wanted to go to but always saw in slasher after slashy McSlasher. You know the ones, because you went there, too. The kids were straight out of Sleepaway Camp, with The Burning thrown in for good measure. And before getting lawyered-up became every parent's favorite pasttime, the 1970s and 1980s camps were good and foresty, with splintery woods and deep, filthy water just inviting a child to go for a drown. The counselors barely gave a crap, and if you weren't wearing shoes, you might just step in it. This on top of my morbid fears that Jason Voohees might actually jump out at any second and use me for target practice. Ah, good times.

Now, I was about 11 when Jason Lives came out, and I loved it. No, not because of the rad Alice Cooper song (but hey, it's up there on my list of reasons), or because Horseshack got Kott-ered at the beginning, but because it was the first film in the F13 franchise that actually had kids in the camp. And not only that—he actively decided not to kill them! Remember when the little girl checked him with the Lord's Prayer?  

So, in my warped little-child mind, I concluded that Jason only killed adults, not kids. Completely forgetting that he 1) tried to off Dudley from Diff'rent Strokes in A New Beginning, and 2) tried to make a mask out of Corey Feldman's face in the one before that (The Final Chapter). Was I a wacky kid, or what?

Now spin on to 2010. At 35 years of age, I'm only just that much smarter than I was at 11-12, watching Friday the 13th on AMC's "Fear Friday":

Me: Uh, honey ... that says NJ. New Jersey.
John: Yeah, why?
Me: So Camp Crystal Lake is in New Jersey?!!
John: I guess, yeah.
Me: So Jason is in New Jersey?!!
John: What?
Me: He was there the whole time?!!

Yep. Apparently, Jason is in New Jersey. And yes, I'm fully aware that every fanboy and fangirl worth their Part-3 Jason mask already knows this. Let's just say I'm tardy to the party.

All I care about is, Jason was no where near Thomas Creek in Portland, Oregon. But he is in New Jersey. Maybe, between there and Manhattan, he can make it close enough to the Jersey Shore.