Friday, June 24, 2011

Birth Controlled.

As much as I relish being able to come and go as I please, I admit that there are times in my life when I tend to get a bit broody for the pitter-patter of blah blah blah. I see little fingers and chubby faces on the profile pics of my husband's Facebook friends, and I want to nibble on them. Having just purchased a new car, I think about trading in that new-car smell for a new-baby one. And with the number of expectant and new parents in my office reaching supernatural numbers, I glance at the water cooler and wonder what my employer is putting in it. Ephemerol? Only time will tell, but that would explain the Mona Lisa smiles and Merchant-Ivory attitude (i.e., the Stepford Wives look. It sure as hell ain't the Jordache look). 

Far right: Even I looked like a murderous child.

Now that I'm 36, I find myself officially one toe over the line—entering the danger zone located on the corner of Piss and Get Off the Pot—and I wonder if I'm ahead of the game for having waited, or falling behind. But then I watch these films, thank Zuul I'm not preggers, and head off to Denny's to build my own Grand Slam.  

Five films where the kids aren't alright

(These aren't ordered, much like my life)

The Bad Seed (1956)

She could make Billy Mumy wish himself into the cornfield.

The 1985 TV remake wasn't bad, but this film is where all the crazy started. Patty McCormack trading in a "bushel of kisses" for her mother's "basket of hugs," while handing everyone else around her a can of kid-edition Kick-Ass. Too bad the Easy-Bake Oven didn't come around until the early Sixties—it could've saved a lot of lives.

Who Can Kill a Child? (1976)

This film will not only put you off of having a child—it'll put you off of everything else, too. Islands. Vacations. Using men for piƱatas. The Children of the Corn (1984) are flakes compared to these kids, who really, really want to get to the Spanish mainland. If they ever remake this one, they should set it in Ibiza.

Honorable Mention: the two children at the end of A Bay of Blood / Twitch of the Death Nerve (1971)

The Visitor (1978)

Now, this is one of those films that I hadn't seen for so long that I wondered if it even existed until my gorgeous horror-gamer girl friend Kiran reminded me that it did. Combine The Bad Seed with The Exorcist, and you've got this 1978 film, currently available on Code Red DVD (which is NOT out of business—thanks again Bloodtype Online).

 Damien: Omen II (1978)

He's a real lady killer.

Some parents find that they in fact cannot kill a child, and (providing they survive) quickly find themselves raising terrible teens—which means negotiating more time to kill than a ten o'clock curfew allows. Unfortunately for William Holden, his charge is hell-bent on fulfilling his demonic prophecy, and no amount of military schooling or actresses named Lee is going to change that. Is it bad that I used to have a crush on this kid?

The Children (1980)

This film is an old childhood treasure that I hadn't seen for 25 years until the lovely and legendary @lloydkaufman (one of my favorites when I was on Twitter) released it six years ago on DVD. That nagging question you have about what would happen if a bus full of Amway children drove through a radioactive cloud is finally answered here. I wish I could go back in time, snap a Polaroid of myself as a child with black olives on my fingers, come back to 2011 and post the pic on this blog. But let's be honest: if I were able to travel back to 1980, I don't think I'd return. That was a great year for horror.