Monday, September 23, 2013

The Match Game.

"Wait a goddamned minute, I thought Jason had blue eyes."
Until a few weeks ago, it had been a long time since the last time I was sucked into a round of one of my favorite blood sports: Fanboy Fighting (Timeshare Dodging at Excalibur Las Vegas is the other one). I love when people try to test me on my horror shit. It’s great fun, and I almost always collect new friends from the spoils.
Now, I don’t proclaim to know anything—in fact, I can confirm that I know 100 percent of nothing 50 percent of the time)—but I do know how I feel about certain aspects in horror. I know that I generally loathe remaking any horror film (even the bad ones). I know that horror is now mostly about money and no longer about ideas (you can tell which films are truly about ideas by their ratio of practical effects-to-CGI). And I know that you cannot have a Freddy Vs. Jason without Kane Hodder as Jason.

And this is where the fight found me. My Twitter opponent gave all he had, coming back at me for why it wasn’t necessary to have Kane Hodder when we had Robert Englund (and to that end, a Freddy Vs. Jason with Hodder and no Englund would be just as c-c-c-rap-rap-rap). Eventually, my opponent caved, I conceded that despite no Hodder, the folding bed death scene was awesome, and we shook virtual hands and returned to our feeds. I was basically repeating a universal opinion, so much like the time I received an Easy Bake Oven for Christmas without any cake mix, I didn’t really win anything. Plus, let’s just be real—pitting Freddy against Jason was a horrible idea. But the spirit of the fight and the film in general made me think about some horror matchups that actually do carry the potential to be pretty killer.

Freddy Vs. Ash

I’ll admit I have an affinity for the strong, silent Freddy—you know, back when he was quietly trying to knock off Nancy and all of her friends? But there’s something to be said for Primetime Bitch Freddy up against a Grrroovy Ash. Imagine all the classic one-liners. And if you took away the lip service, you’d still have two proven titans who seem unstoppable in their respective films. The finger knives versus the chainsaw? Now we’re playing with power.

The Tall Man Vs. Pinhead

Now, if anything, these two villains are conservationists. One hates a waste of good suffering, and the other repurposes the dead into the horror equivalent of Sand People. Not bad, right? Plus, what girl doesn’t appreciate a Tall Man with a commanding presence? In this film, you’d get two. This is a matchup with class, accompanied by a kick-ass prog score. Wouldn’t it be a trip to watch these two get inside each other’s heads to compete for souls?

Jason Voorhees Vs. Michael Myers

Yes. This feels good to me. When I was growing up in the 1980s, Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees cut the two most imposing figures in horror. They were the best kind of silent but deadly, and they achieved their body counts with razor-sharp precision and unyielding terror. Unfortunately, a film with this kind of matchup leaves all the dialogue to today’s teenagers, and not a Kevin Bacon among them. But if one thing defines these two villains, it’s their mastery of the POV kill, so why not let their stalking do the talking?

Just make sure that when casting Jason, the right man is behind the mask.