Thursday, June 16, 2011

She's Got a Ticket to Ride.

The other day, while giving Ward (bringbackthemusic on YouTube and one of my besties) the wrap-up on my birthday weekend at Magic Mountain (of National Lampoon's Vacation and Rollercoaster fame), he unwittingly gave me an awesome idea for a blog topic:

"I wonder if a disaster-based theme park would be successful. Like the Towering Inferno ride, and the Cassandra Crossing train—remember to wash your hands after you get off! It could have rides like the Kingdom of the Spiders and Swarm…is this one of the worst ideas? Nah, I think it would be great."

I think it would be great, too—when I was a child, I actually did wish for a ride based on Empire of the Ants. I mean, the film practically offers up a template for a thrilling Lion Country Safari-style cruise through a sprawling landscape teeming with giant mutant ants. And Bloody Disgusting's brilliant, elaborate April Fool's Day hoax  already made me wish that we had a horror-themed—uh, theme park—in real life.

My own brief list of horror film-inspired-rides may never (here it comes) get off the ground or (one more) gain traction, but dreaming is free—which is more than I can say for visiting an actual theme park these days. Come to think of it, forcing people to literally pay an arm and a leg to get into Disneyland would make for a gorier Haunted Mansion experience.

George A. Romero's Zombie Zone

This military-style rollercoaster ride features a thrilling ascent up the first four films of the Dead series, a leveling out onto Diary and then a steep drop into Survival, where the attraction abruptly ends—and you're left to ponder if that's all there is.

Deja View

Put on your 3D glasses and strap in for this trip back ... to the future. You'll twist and turn through every classic horror remake, retread and re-imagining of the past decade. Experience the ride's signature inverted loop—the Weinstein Company Cashout—before splashing into the tepid waters of Michael Bay. Look over there—is it Jason? Well, he's wearing the mask. And although the faces have changed, the names are the same—just not the boobs; those are remade, too. You won't believe it's not Freddy! If you don't like surprises, don't worry—you're not actually going anywhere you haven't already been.


You enjoyed the first Scream so much, you wished it would never end. Wish no more— on this ride, you'll laze about in a boat carrying you down an exhaustive stream of franchises as you end up making one Wrong Turn after another. Seaquel is never-ending!

False Alarm*

Of course, we can't leave out the teens, 'tweens and PG-keens. And friends who often ask you for recommendations on scary—but "not-too-scary"—films? This bud's for them. Those willing to endure the 90-minute wait can face their fabricated fears in this hydraulic motion simulator of scary violins, red herrings, implied gore and snappy Diablo Cody dialogue. Watch out for the Ghost Girl with the long black hair—she's got a grudge.

*This ride does not feature the PG-13 Drag Me to Hell, as that movie is good.